Home

Sneaking out of bed and leaving the place I used to call home

To stop the pounding of my heart

Closing my car door softly and turning the lights on low

To quiet the noise of my thoughts

Driving five over and rumbling down the driveway

To walk through the door

I can only sleep in your arms

Sore

My throat feels the way it did after the night I smoked my first and last three cigarettes 

I wonder if it burns from late nights and long talks

Or if the scratching is the truth trying to tear free from my vocal chords

Stay, stay, stay

You don't want me to leave

And I don't want to go

So why won't you ask me to stay

I am all but begging

You're all but showing me the door

There's gotta be another way

If the fight was too hard and the road was too long then can't we just take a break?

Hit the pause button now

Don't press erase

Think about this before it's too late

You carried me and now I'll carry you

Until we can walk hand and hand

Or, if that's too much

We can walk side by side

Friends just enjoying the view

Trust

I wonder how much you told me was true

When you said even if she stripped herself bare

And professed her love

You wouldn't touch her

Because you love me

Was that true?

Or has it already happened?

When you said you couldn't be with anyone

Except me

Because you were too damaged

Was that true?

Or have you already been with her?

When you said she wouldn't follow you

And you wouldn't want her to

Because she had other plans

Was that true?

Or are you already making room in your future?

When you said you would wait

That you wouldn't contact her yet

Because you respected me

That wasn't true

You already have

And if that wasn't true

Then what else is a lie?

See why I couldn't trust you?

Tequila

Tonight I drove after

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Rounds of tequila

And I saw a shooting star

I think

Or maybe it was the

Third

Or forth

Or fifth

Drink that sent stars shooting

But either way I prayed

That if I crashed 

I'd go quickly

Not be deformed 

Or dismembered

But leave quietly

Like you left me 

Promise

I am alone

I am sad

Am I still supposed to pretend you're coming back for me

And that you've just gone to get gummy worms?

N?

My tan hasn't even faded from the trip we took

My ears are still ringing with "I love you"s

I can still taste the berries that weren't poison

Though I sort of wish now that they were

I'm going to run to the corners of the earth

And I'm going to find myself there

In the meantime, my world is sepia-tone

As I check my phone in anticipation of the call that won't come

My things were all in a row

And now I'm just a memory

End

I'll collect my things

Sort through what we combined

I thought if we were more intertwined

It would be harder to leave

But it's just harder to pack

At least there's no puppy

No lease

No rings

Just ties that can easily be severed

With a sentence

A truck

A phone call

A plane ticket

And it will be like I was never here

I'll try to close the door softly

This

Everything is this

This is everything

What am I fighting for

Slash

What do I want

I am happy

Am I happy

I am here

I am living

I am breathing

I am waiting

For what

What am I waiting for

Objection, your honor 

Leading the witness

All I do is work

And wait

And wonder

And my words are dwindling

I haven't sung in weeks

I am honest

I was honest

I did not deceive you

Did not seduce you with promises

Or lure you to your fall

I didn't push you to your death

Or laugh as you broke

I was honest

I spoke truths on deaf ears

I cautioned of my instability

And emphasized my uncertainty

I secured a ladder for you to climb up

Or down

You stood on tiptoes

In a storm

On the top rung

Where the warning label says

Do Not Stand On Or Above This Rung or Step

YOU CAN LOSE YOUR BALANCE

And you jumped

This is not all my fault

No, I didn't catch you

But I didn't push you either

You jumped

Missing

I didn't get everything back

I can't put my finger on what it is that wasn't returned

That I feel is missing

I don't think it's much

But it's big enough to notice

Almost small enough to go undetected

But substantial in its absence

Perhaps it's the mermaid dress

That 34.50 was a chunk of change

Maybe that's what's lacking from my wallet

I would say it's my ring

But no, you gave that back

Though I hadn't expected 

Nor particularly wanted its return

Is it the pair of tongs I stole

I had intended use it someday to mix salads 

Something with berries and spinach

I think we would have enjoyed it

I thought maybe it was the purple pants

That maybe you had kept them

Because hadn't they become yours, really, after all?

But I found them in a bag that I had already packed so that can't be it

So I think maybe it's a piece of my life

My friends

My future

My heart

A piece of my life that I didn't get back

I didn't get it back the night I drove away

Or in the bag with the spices

Or in my car with the letter

Or in the blank envelope with the ring

So I guess I know where it is

The only place that's left

And I guess I know it's not ever coming back to me

3

And just like that

Snap

The last tie broke

If

The Ifs hang in the air around me

Sometimes I stumble into them

Sometimes I crash

But mostly they graze my skin

Gently reminding me of how it could have been

If

I had been different

If 

I had known you first

If

I hadn't fallen asleep

If

I hadn't told him about you

If

I had stayed in Italy

If

He hadn't lied

If

I hadn't asked

If

You hadn't come along

If

I had chosen differently 

Would I feel better? Or would the invisible Ifs still collect around me like mosquitos making my skin itch, fighting for my blood

Bones

I wear it everyday

He asks me where it came from

I answer

I don't want there to be secrets between us

Not this time

"I miss her"

I tell him

"I know"

He says

"I never wrote poetry before her"

"Neither did I"

He replies

The coloring book

I bought you a present today
Something I know I'll never give you
The time for presents has passed
Or maybe
(hopefully)
Someday
(eventually)
I can give you this present as a peace offering
A:
Hey, I thought of you all this time
Until then, I bought you a present
And it's something I don't mind hanging onto

79%

Tears fall as years fade away
Road trips
Business plans
Morocco
Literary babies
I saw it all so
So
Clearly
But I was always 79%
And I wanted to give you so much more than 79%
You deserve better than 79%
I wasn't just messy
I was absent
And I want to be present for every sun soaked day
God
I already miss the endless potential of that future 
I'm grasping at it as it slips through my fingers
But it's going because I sent it away
79% wasn't enough
So I take a breath
I take a risk
No more shared wardrobe
No more Mexico
Just the other 21% I couldn't give you