Missing

I didn't get everything back

I can't put my finger on what it is that wasn't returned

That I feel is missing

I don't think it's much

But it's big enough to notice

Almost small enough to go undetected

But substantial in its absence

Perhaps it's the mermaid dress

That 34.50 was a chunk of change

Maybe that's what's lacking from my wallet

I would say it's my ring

But no, you gave that back

Though I hadn't expected 

Nor particularly wanted its return

Is it the pair of tongs I stole

I had intended use it someday to mix salads 

Something with berries and spinach

I think we would have enjoyed it

I thought maybe it was the purple pants

That maybe you had kept them

Because hadn't they become yours, really, after all?

But I found them in a bag that I had already packed so that can't be it

So I think maybe it's a piece of my life

My friends

My future

My heart

A piece of my life that I didn't get back

I didn't get it back the night I drove away

Or in the bag with the spices

Or in my car with the letter

Or in the blank envelope with the ring

So I guess I know where it is

The only place that's left

And I guess I know it's not ever coming back to me

3

And just like that

Snap

The last tie broke

If

The Ifs hang in the air around me

Sometimes I stumble into them

Sometimes I crash

But mostly they graze my skin

Gently reminding me of how it could have been

If

I had been different

If 

I had known you first

If

I hadn't fallen asleep

If

I hadn't told him about you

If

I had stayed in Italy

If

He hadn't lied

If

I hadn't asked

If

You hadn't come along

If

I had chosen differently 

Would I feel better? Or would the invisible Ifs still collect around me like mosquitos making my skin itch, fighting for my blood

Bones

I wear it everyday

He asks me where it came from

I answer

I don't want there to be secrets between us

Not this time

"I miss her"

I tell him

"I know"

He says

"I never wrote poetry before her"

"Neither did I"

He replies

The coloring book

I bought you a present today
Something I know I'll never give you
The time for presents has passed
Or maybe
(hopefully)
Someday
(eventually)
I can give you this present as a peace offering
A:
Hey, I thought of you all this time
Until then, I bought you a present
And it's something I don't mind hanging onto

79%

Tears fall as years fade away
Road trips
Business plans
Morocco
Literary babies
I saw it all so
So
Clearly
But I was always 79%
And I wanted to give you so much more than 79%
You deserve better than 79%
I wasn't just messy
I was absent
And I want to be present for every sun soaked day
God
I already miss the endless potential of that future 
I'm grasping at it as it slips through my fingers
But it's going because I sent it away
79% wasn't enough
So I take a breath
I take a risk
No more shared wardrobe
No more Mexico
Just the other 21% I couldn't give you